Title: Green and Blue
Author: Michelle K.
For:
dooooooomFandom: Grey's Anatomy
Pairing: Meredith/Addison/Derek, Meredith/Addison, Meredith/Derek, Meredith/m, Meredith/Mark
Rating: TV-M
Spoilers: through 'Superstition'
Taboos: threesome, sex in public, one-night stands, sleeping with boss, adultery, exhibitionism
Prompt: She will betray all that she loves.
Word Count: 1,646
Disclaimer: Characters are Shonda's. I make no money off this depressing tale of sex.
*
1.
The first time she and Addison have sex, Derek is watching.
It seems apt; after all, he's been watching them both intently for the past few weeks, flashing awkward smiles and agreeing
Yes, we're all friends. Meredith supposes she could make a joke about this, and she almost does. But it catches in the back of her throat, causing her to gasp as she sucks in a breath. Addison gasps in response, mistaking her awkward desperation for flirtation.
At a different time, Meredith thinks she'd find that somewhat charming.
She scrapes her teeth against Addison's nipple as she slips her knee between Addison's legs. Addison grinds herself against Meredith's thigh, grinds desperately until she's shuddering against her.
So, the first time Meredith makes Addison come, she's not really doing anything. But the first time Addison makes her come, she's moving her tongue and pumping her fingers, and Meredith's climaxing so hard that she almost forgets she feels like crying. It's louder than she's ever screamed for Derek, and.
This wouldn't be the first time she's used a threesome as revenge.
She looks at Derek afterward, looks him in the eye for the first time since she and Addison got into bed together. He looks disappointed, maybe a little sad, but he's still ready to fuck his wife.
Derek doesn't fuck her, but she assumes it's not for revenge. It's just that he has a bizarre idea of what it means to be a good husband.
*
2.
She really starts feeling bad about her one-night stands when she stops asking their names. It starts feeling dirty and a little bit horrible when doesn't even make it to bed with half of them. One -- who is old enough to be her father, and she'd be lying if she said she doesn't blame her daddy issues for that -- fucks her against the kitchen table. Another on the living room floor. The last stranger she has sex with, she doesn't even take back to her place, letting him fuck her in the backseat of his car with the door open. She knows her knees will be scraped, can hear, see people walking by.
Can I be next? laughs one guy, and she almost says yes.
That's the first time she really feels like a whore.
But she gets off twice. So, that's...
She can't sleep with strangers anymore.
*
3.
Meredith starts seeing a therapist, but she barely tells her anything.
But, you know. She has the option to be truthful with someone. At some point. Could one day say,
Here are all the things that are wrong with me. That's more calming than she would have imagined.
*
4.
"I don't think we should do this here," Addison says. "Wait, why are we doing this?"
She finds it interesting that Addison only stopped to ask this question after Meredith had started to pull down her panties. "Because I didn't... you know. I didn't really try."
"You're paying me back for an orgasm that happened months ago?"
"Isn't that what friends are for?" she replies, finally getting to make her joke.
It's not very funny, but. At least she doesn't feel on the verge of tears.
Meredith slides to her knees, hoping that Derek comes into the on-call room. But she's not sure what she wants to happen after that.
*
5.
"I don't think you like yourself much."
After six weeks, Meredith is surprised that this is the best her therapist can come up.
*
6.
"We shouldn't do this anymore," Addison says.
Meredith agrees, since she's given up on Derek ever finding out about it.
She's a terrible person, but. So are a lot of people she knows.
*
7.
She propositions her therapist just to have an excuse to quit. There's a discussion of transference. And a referral, but it doesn't matter. Talking doesn't help, and it never will.
That night, she begs Derek to love her again.
I'm falling apart, she repeats until she's literally on her knees. She goes for his zipper, but he stops her. He joins her on the floor, curls his fingers around her wrists.
"I never stopped," he says. "I swear."
It feels so strangely romantic, even when they awkwardly fuck on the floor with most of their clothes on. He still loves her. He never stopped. It's going to be okay. They're going to be okay. She's going to learn to be okay.
But the thing is, he doesn't leave his wife the day after. Or the day after that. Or the weeks after that. He keeps fucking her; fucks her in the hospital, in his car, in the bed he still shares with Addison. It feels so strange to have Derek treat her like a whore.
The one time she cries during sex, he doesn't notice.
In his defense, she does it quietly.
When he finally asks Addison for a divorce, it feels a little empty.
*
8.
Derek kisses her shoulder, tells her how much he loves her. She pretends that she's just waking up as she turns around to face him. She puts her arms around him, thinks,
Why aren't you the one I want anymore? Why didn't you save me?She supposes she should be trying to save herself, but. She's never succeeded before, so she pretty much needs someone else, doesn't she?
*
9.
Mark is back in Seattle, working at Seattle Grace, and trying to win Addison back. He goes about the last part with such brashness that it makes Meredith feel bad for him.
"He should just take her back to New York," Derek says, as if he's still innocent enough to be righteous. "Then I wouldn't have to see either of them."
"He can't take her back anywhere," Meredith says. "If she's done with him--"
"It doesn't really matter. She can go to Paris, she can go to New York on her own. I just don't want to see them every day. Sort of defeats the purpose of a fresh start." He smiles at her. "It's a good thing I have you. Otherwise, I'd forget I have a future."
"I'm sure you'd remember. Eventually." She says it sweetly enough that even she forgets that she's bitter.
"But it's easier with you," he says. "You cut out the work."
"Uh huh."
That night, he doesn't make her come.
*
10.
"You don't look very happy," Mark says, about halfway through the day she spends assisting him.
"Oh. Did you remember me as looking happy?"
"Of course," he says. "That's why you were my favorite out of all the mistresses I've met."
Meredith smiles a little. "I was your favorite, huh? Unfortunately, I've met mistresses I like better than you."
"Man, here I was, thinking we'd connected. You've deeply wounded me."
"I'll try to make it up to you," Meredith says. "We mistresses should stick together."
"See," he says, grin widening, "that's what I've been saying all along."
*
11.
She asks Mark out for a drink about a week after Derek pretends to stop obsessing about Mark and Addison's continued presence in Seattle.
"You think Derek would be okay with that?" Mark says.
She sucks in a breath. "Probably not. Okay, so... there's no probably."
"So, what's the story?"
"Story?"
"Why do you want to have a drink with your boyfriend's mortal enemy?"
She lets out a laugh. "That's a bit of an overstatement, isn't it?"
"Probably not," he says, but he's smiling. "Really, what's the story?"
"There is none," she says.
Of course there is, but. She's not going to tell him that she hasn't given up on hating Derek more than she loves him. Revenge is so much better when it's treated as happenstance.
*
12.
After her third beer, she gives Mark a messy kiss. He pushes her away, says, "I think I'm done sleeping with women who've slept with Derek. Sorry."
"He doesn't have to know," Meredith says. "It's just some... fun. Some fun sex."
"You don't look very happy."
"You've said that before." She smiles weakly. "Maybe I don't look happy because we're not having sex yet."
"I don't know," he says. "A lot of women have said their happiness decreased substantially after sleeping with me."
"Is that something you want to admit? Might hurt your reputation."
"I trust you to keep a secret."
"Please," she whispers into his ear. "Please."
He kisses her cheek before he kisses her mouth. "Should we--"
"Let's go back to my house, okay?" He doesn't say anything. "Okay."
*
13.
They make it to the bed. The first time they fuck, she's on top, moving so hard and fast against him that it hurts a little. The second time, he's on top of her. His hands on her hips, he thrusts harder than she could've managed. But it feels better this time, because she's wetter and his cock is hitting just the right spot, and. Yes.
But the moment when it starts to feel really good? Is when Derek walks in.
There's something about his face, how he looks crestfallen but on the verge of arousal (that's how he seemed when he was watching Addison fuck her, too, but she supposes he liked that more), that makes her muscles tighten around Mark's cock.
"Don't stop," she tells him, and it takes him a moment to notice that he has a reason to.
But he doesn't stop. Derek leaves.
And she climaxes, fingers twisting around her sheets. He's still hard, still halfway inside her when he asks, "Did you know he was coming over?"
"Yeah," she says. "Do I still look sad?"
"I'd say so," he says.
"Well." She exhales. "Give me time."
He pushes back inside her, filling her again, and. This is just another mistake.
But at least she knows his name and has no illusions about who he is. That's...
That's something.
END